your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Randomize
