I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Randomize
