I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Is Oprah even human
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
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