and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
