Someone shit on the floor
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
