my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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