i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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