Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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