Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
