Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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