I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I AM VODKA MAN
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
i think my cat just said my name.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
