It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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