We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek