i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I see more hoeing in ur future
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