ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
