I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
