if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
