his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
