I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
