looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
