I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
this just has baby written all over it
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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