i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Randomize
