Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Randomize
