Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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