Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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