Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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