I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
