I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
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Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
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Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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