this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
