Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
