Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
