wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
