i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
God I need to hump something, right now.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
