Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
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you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
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you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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