Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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