oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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