when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
