I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
