god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
