Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
