so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Randomize
