Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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