The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
