I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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