Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Randomize
