you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
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