You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
