I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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