1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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