i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
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