I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
