Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
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I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
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I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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