When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
