the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Randomize
