True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
