please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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