I want to make a zoo with you.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
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I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
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Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
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