Welp...herpes.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
